Clients seeking sexual services
This topic is on most practitioners' minds when first starting their business. It is so disappointing not to be valued in one's chosen profession, and really uncomfortable situations can arise!
Rachel Di Ré
I used to have the phone numbers for all kinds of local sexual services and say, “I don’t offer any, but here are the people who do.” This always worked for me. This used to discharge the energy around it. I’m not into shaming anyone’s desires but also wanting to set a professional and personal boundary too. I hope this helps.
Penelope Law
Yes Jorgen that’s a most awkward situation and it happened to me a few times. I would politely refuse and tell them that’s not part of what I do, and that we will need to end the massage now (or not begin it if they ask upfront), and let them know it’s time for them to get off the table, get dressed and leave and I won’t be seeing them as a client again.
Practitioners need to be clear, firm, and unafraid in this situation. Set the boundaries, end the session and tell them goodbye.
P.S. if it happens in the middle of the session and suddenly there’s a big bulge under the sarong and they are asking for “extra” services, (I had this happen once) - I just calmly put a big folded towel on it and then do same as above (explain I do not offer that service and it’s time for them to pay me and leave).
Simple and clear!! No fuss.
Jo Goddard
I make my boundaries clear ~ and I have to as I do provide intimate touch experiences as a Yoni Massage Therapist & Connected Touch practitioner.
I don’t shut down someone’s arousal that might awaken in their body during the session ~ kahuna flow can wake the body up in many ways. So, I let my clients know this.
I talk about it being energy in the body just like emotions of sadness /joy etc. and breath is a great tool to take the heightened energy and dissipate it by moving it through the breath in long and intentional inhales and exhales.
It’s important to distinguish that an arousal is not an invitation. While as a professional, you are allowing the body to experience what ever is naturally moving through ~ you will not be taking advantage of them, nor will you entertain any request to compromise your professionalism as a kahuna bodyworker and offer sexual touch / massage
Rob Murphy
Stop, just stop, walk out of the treatment space after informing them that you do not do that type of service and that their appointment is now cancelled/ceased. The most important thing to remember is that you as the practitioner are in complete control of the session and what boundaries you have.
Sigrid Fletcher
I have the conversation with clients prior to the massage.
Ange Wilson
Makia. Energy flows where attention goes.
I explain very clearly what happens within the massage BEFORE the appointment.
At the start of my career I was focusing on not getting inappropriate phone calls. Asking for extras. So what happened?? I got heaps of calls asking for extras!! In 7 years I have had one male client who was being inappropriate on the table. I ended the massage and blocked his number.
Intent is key
Greta Boadle
Not so much about asking for sexual services as this has never happened to me in over 10 years of treating clients. I intentionally engage Mother energy. However men do sometimes become aroused which doesn't really concern me. I put a towel over their bulge and my personal mantra is "If you get hard I get harder" ie I usually move to their lower legs and apply much more pressure all round, maybe find a few pressure points. That usually calms them down
Ajna Angel
I now have men (and women) read and sign paperwork .
Samantha
ALOHA
Important Notice
I know your therapist is beautiful inside and out but PLEASE
Please follow below at all times
We DO NOT allow people to lay completely naked ( a sarong is always used covering your lower private parts) during the massage, please do not ask for this to be ok .. it is NOT OK here
Do not IMPLY any form of sexual conduct towards a therapist.
Please do not make sexual innuendo’s..
Whatsoever during or after treatments towards the treatments or therapist
Clients are not to touch the therapist or try and hold their hands whilst treating you during the massage or after without permission.
Please cover your private parts (genitalia) at all times.
For women breasts are exposed and we work around in a lymphatic drainage movement as long as your comfortable with that.
A disposable g-string can be provided for women.
Please refrain from improper thoughts during the session. The treatment is for well being not a sexual massage whatsoever.
Men… If you get visibly turned on the therapist will not be offended and will ignore and continue session but will stop treatments any further if suggestions directed towards the therapist in a sexual nature.
A hug to thank the therapist or client is acceptable
Please respect this is a professional setting and act in a respectful way towards your therapeutic massages /therapist at all times.
Mahalo
(Thank you in Hawaiian )
Rozzi Ree
Unfortunately some body workers/ practitioners offer it!
Ali Saoirse
I screen every client on the phone and you can usually pick up from that. We keep a list of brothels in each region and refer them there if they are after any of the euphemisms for sexual services. Never had a problem in 20 years with safety because of the above. I don't blame the client. As many escorts and sex workers are unable to specifically advertise what they do because of our archaic laws many use the description of sensual massage or just use the term massage. It would really help if they were able to specifically advertise what they do is sex work, for both them, us and the clients
Melanie Hughes
I have clearly stated on my website and it’s been very rare in my ten years of practice that this comes up although enquiries of that nature have occured. I forward with discernment details of practitioners who offer/specialise in sexology or similar. I do my best to engage in open dialogue with boundaries and if it feels uncomfortable I tell them so. I will simply make the suggestion for them to research themselves as I have other matters to attend to.
Toot Toot
Boundaries don’t leave home without them. This goes for client and practitioner. Unfortunately there has been boundaries crossed by practitioners.
The issue that isn’t identified around sexual trauma is that when a client feels safe, they can misjudge those feelings and make it sexual..I know of this happening and the practitioner gave into the clients desire for sex. The client later felt violated due to the practitioners intent wasn’t what she had felt and thought on the table. She also took full accountability for her actions, however that may not always be the case?!
There has also been a serious court case recently of sexual misconduct and rape of a client from a Massage therapist. Someone who had also suffered sexual abuse as a child and had gone into freeze response. This person is now facing charges.
I cannot reiterate enough to practitioners and clients the duty of care and utmost professional boundaries that need to be adhered too at all times. Even the way communication of booking a client
Needs to be done.
Please be aware of who you refer your clients/friends too, do they have predatory behaviour? Have they touched you inappropriately and you have just let it slide?! These are all red flags people
Helen Lambert
I did have a client recently (male) who placed his hand on my back when I was massaging his arm and asked if that was ok.
I was a bit taken aback and didn’t respond but continued. When I moved to his next arm he didn’t place his hand on my back again so I feel he got the message from silence and my body language at the time.
I think in future I will be adding something to the conversation prior to the massage.. currently I say I will be holding a safe space for you in the room etc… but I will be changing the language to ‘holding a safe space for both of us’ fortunately I’ve never had any requests for sexual services but I think the subtle advances can happen and it’s important to be in tune with those too!
Lola Welling
We had it written on the form so it was obvious right at the start. When I opened my first space the person who had been there for 20 years beforehand had been providing this and I didn't know. It was torturous the first six months with a stream of people acting weird and asking and I so once I put it on the form that stopped most of it. It was something like " Please be aware that this is a strictly therapeutic service and any requests of a sexual nature will be refused, the massage stopped and full payment expected." like Rachel mentioned I would direct them somewhere they could find what they wanted if they did ask. There was an adult store just down the road. I at least respected the people that actually asked rather than doing stuff in the massage like wiggling on the table, groaning, asking me to massage their butt or inside thigh etc. At the beginning I felt nervous and unsure but I quickly realised that it was better to shut it down fast and be direct. I've had a few clients express surprise when they see it written on the form but I just say that it sets the boundaries and protects the therapist. I've also told clients that their behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable and that unfortunately I can't provide massage anymore. It's important to remember that you set the boundaries.
Natalie Ellen
I have started to pop a link into my text to show them what a Ka Huna is all about. At the start of the text I also ask them to read the full text, as it has some important information in it
I am also very lucky that I am over 6 foot tall and they don't ask
I also have put the intention out the purest of intention is to come into my space. Also I need to make aure I am not putting out that vibration
Kylie Myrrh
Just make it clear beforehand or in an introduction letter to new people. I personally would not treat a client and show them the door
Lonni Breeuwer
When I was doing mobile I had a section on the consult card that stated any inappropriate behaviour would immediately terminate the treatment with no refunds.
This way they read it and sign it and knew from the beginning with no awkward conversations to be had
Amanda Bernstein Doula
Honestly, I only massage women now - about half are pregnant. I don’t have time for more massage clients so I’m ok with this. Massage from my home and don’t want random men showing up expecting more.
Leah Rice-Levitt
Firstly I ensure all my marketing is geared towards legitimate services. I get my own photos taken, no stock images especially those that don’t look like what we do, all my wording is professional on all social media posts, website, flyers and business cards. I make sure I am not coming up in searches for seggs services on google (literally google it and make sure you don’t come up) If you do then change the wording on your pages. This includes stating “this is a non-sexual service”. You will come up in the search.
Secondly I take a deposit for my online booking, this deters creepers from booking in with me.
Third: I NEVER take a booking over the phone for a male client and NEVER on the same day they have requested it. I will always tell them “I am booked out today but you can book online for another time.” The only exception is for gift vouchers because that is a referral in my mind.
If a client comes into the clinic and is doing any of the red flags I will take a step back from the table and tell them to stop or I will cancel their booking and ask them to leave. (Red flags below)
I have a record of the client on file and if they are a new male client who hasn’t been referred by an existing client I upload their info to a discussion board I have with my next of kin including start and end time of their appointment, full name and address from their online health form.
I am in the process of getting cameras installed at my clinic entrance.
I have a lock on the internal door of my clinic so I can go someplace safe if I need to.
Red flags
Words they use in consultation or on the phone like “sensual”, “groin massage”, “whats included in full body?”, any talk about other massage they’ve had that included seggs services such as showering together, nuru, rub and tug etc. asking about what I look like, if I am pretty etc, or stating that I am pretty or talking about my appearance in any way.
Physical red flags include,
face down: rubbing their pelvis on the table, reaching under themselves to touch their privates, reaching out to touch my leg or arms or hands
Face up: touching themselves under the linens, touching me, holding my hands while I massage their hand, looking at me (watching) as I move around the table or when standing above their head. Staring at my face.
Trying to hug me or touch me after the massage, lingering in the clinic or bathroom afterwards.
Obvious red flags are if they ejaculate on my table, linens or in my bathroom.
This is not to say I don’t recognise that men have a very visually physical reaction to a relaxing massage, this is normal and I don’t rule out massaging men because of this. It is the OTHER behaviour that goes along with it that I won’t tolerate.
For young persons and women just starting out, it is very important to work on your posture and tone to ensure you appear to be the professional and take charge of the situation. If your gut is telling you it is ick, listen to it and stop the massage.
Sorry for the essay but this is a subject I am very passionate about.
Wilma Adams
When people/possible clients ask me what a Hawaiian massage is and what it “includes” I always answer with:” I massage every part of your body except your genitals.”
Only once a guy got an erection and asked me to massage “there”.
I repeated my info and gave him tissues and 10 minutes and told him that the massage was over now.
I didn’t shame him but made clear that this is not included.
He left, paid and never returned.
Alyssa Maughan
I approach this topic with much empathy, as this is part of the human experience. The animal experience, even. I explain kindly that this is not a service I offer, and I've been known to have some info for legal establishments where such services can ethically be sourced. I was taught this approach by a long-time friend and practicing therapist Jay be. This approach has served me well for the most part. I'm more focused on working with people and their pets with huna and other modalities now, so don't see as much of this... and that's the other thing. Draw the clients you want. Focus on what you do want from a client experience.
Fiona Galloway
This happened to me several times, so disappointing and made me feel violated, and often unsafe.
When it happened (they would verbalise their request) I would stop immediately and be clear and firm and kindly let them know it was time to leave.
As a consequence I started asking clients for payment upfront (to help set a boundary, no room for add ons), and would spell it out in my advertising. In the end, I ended up accepting female clients only, unless they were males I already knew, or they were referred by someone I knew/current client. (Sorry to be gender specific, but for the purpose of this conversation those who crossed the line all identified as male).
I'm not currently practising, but considering stepping back in.. and wondering best way to approach this afresh. So thank you for opening up this conversation
Paul Lawson
I agree with Rob
Don’t blur the lines of what bodywork is
It’s spiritual and transformative
Find your mana and you are in control
The questions these clients ask is to see if they can control you
My thoughts
If you offer other services , you are blurring the lines for Kahuna bodyworkers who don’t
I have a client intake form explaining the process and they sign it. This outlines everything in a professional manner.
Helen Conroy
Boundaries are so important, and as practitioners, we set the container
I never had online bookings as I wanted to veto clients working from my home. Any messages or conversations that alluded to sexual services were quickly explained and ended.
As Leah said, I would never take on a new male client on the day they requested, especially if they wanted a later session.
Sometimes humour works too - I had a potential client text asking if I offered any extras, and I replied “The extras that I offer in addition to Ancient Hawaiian Temple Massage include hot stone therapy, energy medicine, sound healing or tuning fork therapy.”
Be professional and empowered
Saffron Quantrell
It is rare this happens but it has happened. I have created a page on my website which I send them prior to the session (link below). It sets out very clearly what to do to prepare and what not to do in the session. I ask them if they have read it before we start, and I have a 10-15 minute conversation to build rapport and ask them what their intention is. If someone is on the table and they start to act inappropriately (very rare), I immediately call in my protection (visualise a protective layer around me, ask for spiritual protection) and then I avoid any areas which are obviously stimulating them. Stand in your power, as you are the one in control of the session, while they are laying vulnerable on your table. Send them motherly love healing energy. After the session I ask myself what the lesson was here. There is always something to learn. What I have found by far the most effective way of avoiding people with the wrong intention, is to raise my own vibrational frequency, and set a clear intention of the kind of clients I want to work with. https://lomilomimassagetherapy.com.au/maximising-your.../
Sally Blossom
I explain the massage beforehand - what it is, the energy of it and the scope of the massage. If the client is super anxious I point them to online resources about the massage, my reviews and check in that they really want the kahuna, or a more conservative type of massage. I've only been asked once, I was brand new practitioner and my client was very agitated anyway. I just explained to my client that it wasn't the kind of massage I offer, that there are trained therapists in the style (yoni and lingam) and if they want this service that they would be able to find them online. They truly were just in an experience and had no issue with me shutting it down, and they didn't ask again. They were also keen to continue the massage, so we continued. Now, with more experience under my belt, I would shut the massage down anyway for other reasons than this one here. But at the time, you don't know what you don't know hey. It's a good question, thankyou for asking it. Also, when managing a massage space, I give the therapists full and strenuous permission to end a massage immediately if this situation occurs, and to come and find a supervisor or manager who will support them completely.
Natalie Clarke
Love all the answers. As many have already said... clear boundaries, clear intent, clear communication - written and verbal, signed, verbally acknowledged. With the guys I work with, I spell out verbally in a Lomi Lomi / Kahuna session that erections may happen when the energy is flowing, but there is no meaning or expectation attached to it and doesn't mean the session is going to proceed in any other direction that the loving container that I've set. An erection is sometimes just an erection! I welcome letting guys have their energy moving around (especially those that are kind and will often shut themselves down to not make someone uncomfortable). If as a practitioner you're uncomfortable with seeing the bulge, cover with a towel. Lovingly massage the energy away from that area, perhaps to the feet. Refer on to other services or practitioners if something sexual is what they are wanting or might help their health and wellbeing. Get good at the uncomfortable conversations and be strong with the Kahuna container for all involved!
Carly Bell
I feel more comfortable massaging only Females
Mia Watanabe
Thanks everyone for your input. I myself (and also a friend) had to terminate our treatments of a client who was making comments such as “you can massage me naked if you like, it’s so hot out” and “don’t worry if the sarong slips off, I don’t mind” along with wanting really specific areas to be massaged, top of the buttocks, inner thigh and below the belly button. I just thought it was a bit weird and inappropriate and after conferring with my friend she also had a similar experience. We promptly ended the therapeutic relationship. I do have a section that outlines
that any sexual conduct will not be tolerated and you’ll be asked to leave immediately and perhaps I will start stressing to people that they read this properly. But I feel good about having this section as it is very clear and outlines the consequences if they step over a line. I get a lot of messages via text or social media asking for extras I just say no very firmly and clearly. It is my hope that the more I stand strong in my boundaries the less this happens. So far I haven’t been asked by anyone in a session but did have a guy make really weird eye contact and ask me how I’m doing during massaging his face. This made me really uncomfortable and I swear a few times he tried to grab me but it was sneaky. Anyway I left that job now and won’t be treating him anymore. Sometimes the lines are blurred and you can’t tell if someone is doing the wrong thing but I think if something feels off with someone trust your gut and not your compassionate nature, some people will take advantage of your kindness
Nikki Harper-Ward
Such insights - I have had similar experiences too and which have put me in some very compromising positions - one guy actually went into a back spasm when he realised he had overstepped the mark, suddenly got up and collapsed on the floor in pain…
and looking back - it was hilarious- but at the time it wasn’t funny…
I didn’t ridicule or shame him - I explained it’s a natural by product of the massage while I positioned myself in behind him, with him leaning back on my legs down his spine while the spasm that took his breath away, abated. He was so embarrassed and kept apologising and texted me for days afterwards with how bad he felt and how wonderful he thought I had handled the situation - he had been deployed to Afghanistan and had come home with severe back pain and just wanted some company and a massage .. I felt that somehow although things transpired the way they did … it was a lesson in setting boundaries, not being over friendly, creating safety for self AND client… and ensuring you don’t land up in situations that potentially can traumatise both of you - clear communication whilst being respectful and understanding- not too much familiarity but appropriate words used to set the boundary in subtle ways … ie marketing, appointment booking will ensure a good experience for both of you … I would add these days as a counsellor, that people crave touch and does trigger feelings of connectedness when a beautiful soul is giving them aloha … therefore we need to accept that sometimes this will happen and we can help them gently to understand what is happening to them.
I always have my bookings aligned with when my partner is home so they know there is an another male in the house too. But that is no guarantee either so:
Worst case scenario - always massage with your back to the door for easy exit and egress … ensure you have your 000 speed dial but I have counsellor stories where the person has pinned the other down using their weight and strength …and the person has gone into freeze while being abused… this my friends is why - if we don’t feel safe - call it quits sooner than later and don’t wait to see what happens. Remove yourself and don’t hesitate … be firm - state your boundary in a deep low voice that will be taken seriously and LEAVE.
Other than that manifest great clients and reward good behaviour and referrals from your best clients
Nic Bright
I would never shame anyone for seeking these services. There are high-quality establishments and skilled practitioners who can create a safe and intentional space for Eros, and these offerings have a rightful place in the world.
For me, having trusted referrals in the area and setting clear boundaries around what I offer has been all I’ve needed.